Officer Israel

Today I went to lunch with friends. Some guy came in wearing a suit, yakking on the cell phone. He had a mini-entourage and walked through the restaurant like he was a Hollywood celebrity. I noticed he was wearing a name tag, a cop badge and that he was running for sheriff. Even though I’m a lifelong Democrat I decided to vote Republican.

However something seemed vaguely familiar… (this is where the flashback music comes in.)

In 1982 or 1983 I was renting a room from my friend Allan. I paid $25 a week; those were the days!

The house was not in such a good neighborhood and one day I came home and noticed that the furniture was moved. Allan wasn't home and the cats didn't seem to have been moving furniture so I figured out that we had been burglarized.

I went across the street, called the police from a neighbor's phone and a cop came by fairly quickly. He entered the house with his gun drawn. I was right behind him. He seemed scared; I definitely was.

Somewhere along the line he saw some of my magazines or maybe it was when he saw the original watercolor of a male nude by Ethel T. Unready. It was at that moment when he kind of muttered the word “homos” to himself. It wasn’t a put-down; he was just figuring it out. I noticed his name tag, “Officer Israel.”

Now I'm an undecided voter again. See the attached link for an update on Officer Israel:

http://scottisraelforsheriff.com/

Vir Venatio Finis

Why did I close my Manhunt account? One reason is that I can’t imagine the following conversation happening in any other gay venue:

“How big is your dick?”

Oh, about 7 inches. Maybe more if I get real excited.

“Do you have a pic?”

I pull a picture of my penis out of my back pocket and show it to him.

“Nice. Are you uncut?”

No, it’s cut. The doctor just left a little extra skin.

“Do you have any other pics?”

I pull out another picture of my penis. This one shows it from a different angle.

“Do you have a face pic?”

Umm dude, I’m standing right in front of you.

You know I’m pissed if I use the word ‘dude.’ He vanishes into thin air. The non-cyber equivalent of being blocked.

Not So Desperate

My life is not so desperate that I am watching the Scrubs marathon on TNT, but it is definitely not where I want it to be. One of the problems seems to be the more general acceptance of all things gay in Ft. Lauderdale and vicinity.

Of course it’s great that I’m not in danger of being mugged up, as I might have been in 1980, for holding hands or sitting too close to my boyfriend on a park bench. (Although I’m pretty sure that this would not hold true if I were on a bus bench at the Lauderhill Mall.)

There was a time when being ‘gay’ had a bit of the outlaw in it; we had ‘lovers,’ not ‘partners.’ And being congenitally middle class with working class pretensions it is important to be a bit of the outlaw.

So in the 80’s and 90’s I was ‘gay;’ now I lean toward ‘queer.’ At least I like the look of young queers who are into being bohemian, or punk, or anything but respectable and who think of the 70’s as a sort of glamorous golden age. (It was anything but glamorous for me.)

I think my personal decline happened sometime in my 30’s when I found that I had to stay in on a Thursday night so that I could go out on a Friday night. The decline in gay civilization began with online ads that don’t have spell check like this beaut from Craig’s List: not into bar sean singel dad limited time for fun - m4m - 41 (laud).

Thank God For ‘F’

The letter 'F' was not working on my keyboard for a couple of days. Today, as I was replying to a Manhunt ad it miraculously came back. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I did not get the trick.

Not having an 'F' presented certain orthographical challenges. I will share a few. These are some of my comments in a series of emails to a friend in Miami:

Regarding a website dedicated to St. Sebastian in art:
You should see some uv the 20th century stuphph.

Signing off:
Time phor my sitcom commitment, "Big Bang Theory."

Regarding someone who took photos of me for my unsuccessful attempts to snag a husband online:
I had some guy on craig's list do pics uv me.
He ran a whorehouse in Pht. Lauderdale.
I had a lengthy conversation with the young lady on duty… She was quite delighphtul, iph mercenary.

Here’s a fictional entry:
Is that a staph inphection or are you just glad to see me?

About the only alternate spelling that makes sense is ‘uv’ for ‘of.’ Since 1st grade, I’ve never understood that spelling, but Sister Louise would have smacked my palm with a ruler if I didn’t spell it right. Thank God 'F' is back.

Shows You Will Not See On TV

Univision – Lou Dobbs en español

EWTN (the Catholic channel) – Margaret Sanger Presents

Al-Jazeera – Sister Wendy's Story of Painting

The Food Channel – Lesbians in Aspic

Yasin's Shell

I stopped at a Shell station yesterday and was in a crabby mood. Gas at $3.89 should have cheered me up, but didn’t. I went inside to pay. Behind the thick glass, locked behind the register is a boy about 10 years old, shaved head, big glasses, red tee shirt.

Mom in her red tee shirt is stocking some shelves. The kid can’t wait to take my money. He wants to work the register and push the buttons that make the gas go on. I gave him a Benjamin.

Mom: “Yasin! Open the door! Yasin! Give me the money! Yasin! Don’t touch that.”

Forty dollars on number four, please.

Mom gives me back $60. Yasin grabs the Benjamin and puts it under the cash drawer. He pushes the button before mom can. He’s so happy!

I think about Yasin and the way America is changing. He doesn’t look like those guys on the $1 and $5 bills either. Mom and baklava instead of mom and apple pie perhaps.

That got me thinking about those guys on the money. So:

$1 - George Washington – Father of our country and slave owner.
$5 - Thomas Jefferson – Writer of the Declaration of Independence and slave owner. He used to take the lash to his slaves personally on occasion.
$10 - Alexander Hamilton – Island guy originally. Not a slave owner.
$20 - Andrew Jackson – War hero, slave owner and ethnic cleanser. Ask the Cherokee how they feel about Jacksonian democracy.
$50 - Ulysses S. Grant – Another war hero. Also apparently a slave owner at one point.
$100 - Benjamin Franklin – Patriot, diplomat, scientist. Oh yeah, slave owner before he became an abolitionist.

Hey Yasin – see you next week!

Saints Preserve Us!

So J-cat and I went to Humpy's for lunch today because I knocked my glasses off my night-stand and Humpy's is in the same plaza (strip mall or shopping center - take your pick) as the opticians. Besides, she had a $5.00 off coupon from our last visit.

Pleased to report that the glasses were fixed, the optician was attentive, the pizza was great, and the iced tea was just right. Plus I was with J-cat. Leaving Humpy's I spied San Domenico on a tee shirt through the fancy clothing store shop window. St. Dominic, my father's namesake.

Had to go in and take a closer look. It actually said,I (heart) San Domenico. Then I noticed that it was stained. They all were. Intentionally distressed. Man, I lived through "stone-washed" jeans. Did I need this?

I asked if they had any other saints. The very handsome, but Protestant-looking salesman showed me San Stefano. Ok, a martyr and the first one at that, but no St. Sebastian.

J-cat showed me the price tag: $195.00. I took the name of the Lord in vain.

For more on the Sicilian and the Lombard who know how to make-a-da-scudi see:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolce_&_Gabbana